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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
What do you hear?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living