Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”