gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.