Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
describing stardew valley
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.