“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”