Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Actually cracking up @ this
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
my first day as a raccoon
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!