[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.