I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My beach vacation Google searches
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we鈥檙e running out of time
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just because I鈥檓 gay, doesn鈥檛 mean I don鈥檛 know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
describing stardew valley
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State 禄
In our house the answer to 馃幎who let the dogs out?馃幎 is always the toddler at 4am when we鈥檙e all alseep because she thinks it鈥檚 funny
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Men, I鈥檓 going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don鈥檛 make the rules, it鈥檚 a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: There鈥檚 nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we鈥檙e gonna egg your house, right?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I鈥檒l see myself out..
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can鈥檛 figure out how the mute button works]