Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I think this should do it.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.