ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?