[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
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My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.