If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away