Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?