What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I cannot call her anything else now
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE