[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
quarantine day 3
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I falcon love using swear birds
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
repaired
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.