Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My dating profile:
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.