*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*