Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
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[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.