Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Basically.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
british sex workers really pound for pound
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
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14
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90Me: Nailed it.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no