Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.