Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
CUTE CAT‼︎
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.