BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
You Might Also Like
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Lol.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
All excellent questions
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE