Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.