Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff