What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!