My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Genius idea!!
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.