Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Don’t touch that.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.