Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.