“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know