[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
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HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
23. the denim jacket
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.