When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
mom gave me mine for free
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody