Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
He wanted to make sure😂
The Punning Dead.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Mountain Goat : )
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Check your privilege
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
This did not end as expected.