If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more