I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
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Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.