[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
The “baby” on the left….
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Saturday
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.