I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
doing your own taxes