Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Have kids, they said