me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving