The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
You Might Also Like
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
wish me luck lads
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Unexpected Judgment
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’