[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?