ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
bugs when you lift up a rock
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”