Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
They did not miss in the small print
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
do horses think humans are hats
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]