all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.