At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.