SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”