DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
rich people when they have to pay taxes
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses