me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
me, after any kind of buffet.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.