The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.