My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
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Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.