#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
You Might Also Like
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My first child will be named New Folder.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.